I don’t give myself enough credit; I’ve forgotten how much has changed.
Sometimes a picture will come up in the memories of my Facebook. It will say: “Here’s your memory from 4 years ago!” It’s so proud to show me my former self of the summer of 2012 and how far I’ve come. I am not as nice to myself as Facebook, and I am usually completely taken off guard at the moment realizing at how much change I have facilitated in my life in only 4 short years. A photo came up last week; I was with my best friend Chris on South Beach. Side note: I’ll tell you the same thing I tell the guys who date me, to know me is to know my best friend Chris, he is the bestest bestie a girl could want, we go together like peanut butter and jelly…Anyway back to the memory; it seemed like only yesterday. I smiled remembering how much fun that little weekend getaway was. I’m in a red polka dot bikini and my hair is a darker blonde (why?) but all beachy salt water wavy, the way Chris and I like it, and it seems carefree. I don’t know if I felt carefree at the time, if I were guessing I’d say not like 100%. In the back of that beach mind I was probably analyzing some problem, talking shit about my job, or tallying up how much money I’d have to save to buy my new material obsession… Regardless, there was an innocence to that time, like a feeling I could just keep sailing through the waters forever just the way I was on that beach, drinking diet coke, smoking Parliament lights with my Bestie, giggling at our own hilarious inside jokes, doing what we did back then to enjoy ourselves. I was on an upswing in life. I had new job with a luxury retailer, after settling in; I was surprised how much I liked it and I had certainly enjoyed the spoils of my discount, treating myself to tailored trench coats and runway dresses.
I had been single for months, but I had met someone new, and he was very much my ideal, he had wooed me like a proper gentleman and visions of our anticipated summer romance fueled me. Like it actually seemed things were falling into place in my adult life.
The summer before my longtime boyfriend and I had broken up; that was so hard! My career was unstableish, but I had secured a great new position at a new store! I had overcome both of those challenges when I didn’t see it was possible! I was really proud of myself, and I remember a very positive hopeful feeling was in my midst. I had started a new chapter and I was high on confidence of what the future might bring.
It wasn’t going to last very long, only about 90 more days… of course I didn’t know it at the time, but things were going to start shifting. Remembering that girl on the beach makes me so envious of her, obviously she wasn’t perfect in her happiness and choices, but she was just so normal. I guess some of us aren’t born to be normal, and in my case that certainly must be true because I feel extra weird and out of place at times, uncertain of my true purpose in this world. That beach day was one of my final days of innocence, the days before I learned the greater values of how life really works, that I am the sole creator of my experiences, that I could know my higher self, and that basically I was a divine being just waiting to tap into my true talents and purpose. Ha ha… I mean really?
I hadn’t yet started my awakening into consciousness and to be honest it was not something I chose per se, my destiny chose it for me. And the Universal domino effect of substantial (negative and sometimes but rarely, positive) events one after the other had not started to happen yet. Eventually those events, coupled with my own choices good and bad, had backed me into a corner, and my eyes were opened more, because I was searching. I seemed to be out of control of the very things happening to me, I was willing to try anything to land back on my feet.
In response I buckled down. I began to read and openly search for answers. I got life coaches, mentors. I dedicated myself in whole to learning self-love, cultivating self-worth, and understanding myself more as person, which on the best of days leaves me happy yet somewhat unknowing, and on the worst of days I self-sabotage, cry and manifest my fears rather than my destiny.
I know in my heart there was nothing wrong with beachy salt-water wavy hair me from Facebook memory 4 years ago. I was a good human, I was compassionate, understanding and accepting of people. Did my life really need to be turned upside down so I could become more in touch with my spirit? At that time my end goal was to be a good manager at my store, get this new guy to be my boyfriend and maybe, just maybe buy a coveted labeled handbag for my 35 birthday, pretty Basic. I’ve always wondered why I couldn’t have learned more lessons thru joy instead of pain, but I am a good student and no matter how they were coming I learned.
I have never once questioned the methods of the Universe. I keep adapting, changing, searching for truth that is somehow ingrained into me. I always move forward, I just keep swimming. When I reminisce about the truly gut wrenching things that really hurt me as a part of my awakening it’s hard not to be bitter about them, about the negative patterns I worked/still work through, but the acceptance of those said happenings is me knowing I would most certainly not be where I am today without them.
I am more conscious of who I want to be, I am able to give and receive love (still working on receiving), I am able to create my reality more with good vibes, and self-worth, changing a negative energy pattern that has basically been present my entire life, even when I didn’t know it was there.
This story doesn’t have an ending, at least not yet, and if I’m as schooled as I am about spiritual growth, it probably never ends. Although I will say, I have really started to see positive shifts, miracles almost, happen in my life, which is pretty dope. I have accomplished so many small goals I set for myself and that feels pretty great as well. I still don't have The Guy (although I’ve plenty to choose), become Insta famous, or have my artwork represented by a blue chip gallery in Chelsea or any gallery anywhere in the world for that matter, (lol) but honestly I’m so content with just being me right now in this very single moment, I don’t really know if I want those things, I know they do not define me. This is a story of evolution, perseverance, and self-love. It’s not perfect, wrapped up with a sparkly ribbon around it, but it is a gift and I could have never known the true joys that are limitless inside of my own self with out waking up to see them first. So yeah, there’s that.